What it is like for me to be a Lesbian Mom

Motherly Love
By: Andrea McAlpine

I'd like to tell you that being a mom is fun and easy and maybe in a “normal” world it might be. In my world, your world, it isn't like that at all. I am a single, lesbian woman with children. I didn't always identify myself as a lesbian, nor did I always identify myself as single.
It has been a long, hard life and I am only 29 years old. I was asked to talk about this topic, but please be aware that I will not be sugar coating anything and if at any time you have had enough, please put this down and continue with your daily activities.

I was 18 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I was supposed to get my tonsils out...I was in my first year of college and it was Spring Break. Apparently, you cannot be put under anesthesia if you are pregnant. My mom was there that day and after I shared the news with her, she left me at the hospital for three hours with only my hospital gown on. When she came back to get me, she didn't say a word. She wouldn't talk to me until a month later. My sister called me a slut and my grandmother had nothing but unkind things to say to me. My grandpa hugged me and my extremely Christian great-grandmother said “I'm disappointed Annie, but we will get through this”...to this day, I can remember and feel my fear and anxiety.

The following day, my mom and Aunt took me to a counselor. My mom demanded that I get an abortion and I strongly disagreed...”What else have ya got Mom?” I sat in this counselors office while she stoutly discussed with me my options. Her ambiance, mood lighting and stiff couch wasn't making this situation any easier to deal with. I don't recall what she said to me because it was as if someone had put sound proof headphones over my ears. Was no one going to just hold me? Was anyone out there that had these issues? I am so lonely. I want to run away. My head is screaming and my heart is slowly fading away...HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I have a tight ass turtle-neck on...I feel helpless. What about school? I am going to be nothing! For awhile, after this meeting, my mother had decided that adoption was the best thing for this unborn child.

I gave birth to my daughter on November 14, 1997...She came home with me and she was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. She chose me, GOD chose me....She didn't belong to anyone else. My mom instantly took over the mother role. Instead of teaching me to be a good mother, she pushed me aside and took over. As any 19 year old, we think the world owes us something and I was pissed and hurt and scared...I moved out of my moms place without my daughter...A decision that would later come back to haunt me. I moved back in a month and a half later. I moved out again, in April 2000, to my own place with the stipulation that once I got on my feet, my daughter would come live with me. On October 31st, 2000, which is my favorite holiday, my mother's lawyer contacted me 2 hours before a court hearing. I appeared and my mother received guardianship of my beautiful creation. I didn't get to take her trick-or-treating that night.

I know now that I was not making good decisions for her or for me and that the best thing for my daughter was to be with my mom. In July 2001, I gave birth to my son. He has lived with me since birth and he is equally as beautiful. Have you ever had to sit in the state assistance office and prove to someone that you need the financial help because you're not capable? All your pride flies right out the window. At one point, I had gotten a job making $7/hr and working 20-25 hours per week and my assistance worker sent me a notice...it read: “Congratulations!! Someone in your family has a job! Instead of your food stamp total being $235.00, you will now receive $14. Good luck with your new job!” Who the hell is that going to feed? On top of having a new baby, being on the outs with my mom over my daughter, working for pennies at a dead-end job, and $14 to feed us...My sons father had developed a serious drug habit. I ended up purposely getting him arrested, so that my son and I had a chance to survive.

Once he was gone, I got a little bit better job and things began turning around. I was still so distraught over my daughter that I eventually packed up all of our things and moved to Oklahoma. Once in Oklahoma, I stayed with some friends that were like my family...They had six kids and she got lazy and stopped doing things for her kids. I had come to Oklahoma to reinvent myself and figure things out, not take care of you and your kids. I moved into an old Victorian home for women and children...They gave me back my confidence, my hope for a better life. They ended up paying for me to go back to college and let me have a job...I was the most successful girl in the home. I was on the Dean's List for the entire year I was in Oklahoma. I can remember a comment my mom made once when I was interested in going back to college...”Single moms don't go back to school, they get jobs”! I looked her in her face and I said, “Fuck that! I will be better than you and I will go more places than you!”

I know I have been rambling on about so much of my past, but in order to understand my future you have to know my past. I ended up moving back to Michigan. I continued to make a few mistakes for years, but through all of it I ended up going to night school and graduated with an Associates Degree in 2004 as part of the Honor Society and on the Dean's List. I now work in Accounting for the company I'm employed at. It has been a long road, but I made it.

Now that you understand what it was like for me, before I added the lesbian factor into the mother equation, I want to enlighten you about the struggles that I have incurred since coming out of the closet and again I have to back track to the past, so you understand my future. In my family, being a single mom or being gay was NOT accepted...a huge taboo. I was sexually active when I was 16 years old and I thought he loved me. I made a lot of poor choices and live with them every day. Anyways, I was always interested in girls/women, but never acted on my impulses until I was much older.

The first girl I messed around with was Aimee. She was my boss at a restaurant we worked for. She was amazing, until I got to know her a bit more. She wasn't out or anything, but it was apparent that she liked and appreciated a good looking girl. I was young and stupid...She had her hook in me and I followed her every command. We never...you know! It turned out that she wanted to make her husband, whom she was separated from, jealous. I stuck around because I was both intrigued and thirsty for attention. I then met my sons soon-to-be father, so I quit going over to her place. I don't do gossip and I'm no ones toy.

The second girl I fooled around with was Christina. She was married and things soon involved her husband...I won't gross you out with the details. Anyways, they were the couple with the six kids and like family to me. This was the first moment I discovered the deeper connection a woman has with another woman...She helped me develop the sensual and mental part of the lesbian world. I was saddened when they had to move to Oklahoma and wasn't in good spirits until I moved there to be with them and get my life straightened out.
The third girl I played with was Angie. It was a one time deal, but we had always been extremely flirty to each other. We were at party and had been sippin' the sauce. I cornered her in the kitchen and clothes started flying off. Soon we had a little show going on. We were never that close again. She had a lot going on in her life, as did I.

I had a hard time with the whole, “Where do I go from here” feelings. I know that my family would disapprove of me coming out and I still wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I continued to stay with my sons father on and off. I finally put him on a bus bound for Florida...His drug abuse wasn't good for my kid or I. I continued to work towards fixing my life and ignored my lesbian urges. I remember as a child and while growing up that my mother and grandmother would make comments about three of my cousins...It was clear to me that they were different.

With their smug faces and bandaged egos, my mother and grandmother would make comments about these cousins. “Jennifer is so GAY” or “Kevin is going to COME OUT with big secrets before long” or “Stephanie is only marrying a man and having kids to cover-up a SECRET”. I wanted to slap them or tell them to mind their own business, but mocked or commented along with them so that I wasn't questioned about my own curiosity or sexuality. I had grown-up and been close to a 2nd cousin that has lived with her partner from the time they were in high school until presently...35 years together...hmm (I hope that is me someday). The family kept them at arms length and out of many family functions for a very long time. Hell, even in the 80's we didn't talk about “partners” or say the word “lesbian”. They are both amazing women and will always be special to my life and to who I am.

I always have felt that something wasn't right, but couldn't ever put my finger on what it was. I never felt a closeness or connection with who I was dating or sleeping with. Every guy I slept with didn't want the relationship thing and treated the sex as a “wham bam, thank you Mame” fling. I felt empty and alone for many years. I finally met my first girlfriend...Claire after my mother had received a promotion which lead us all to Reno. I will talk more about Claire later. Now in Reno, we began to get settled and I was very homesick for Michigan. I married a man in January 2007 and by March 2007 asked him to move out. It didn't feel right and we had a lot of issues. My sister had made friends with a girl at her place of employment...She was a lesbian and I was more than intrigued. She invited us to go out one night to a place called Tronix.

We pulled up in front of Tronix and upon entering I felt an excitement wash over my being. At first I was curious and because I was naive and sheltered for the majority of my life...I was a bit confused and scared. There were gay men making out and girls that were dressed like boys. I was instantly attracted to a few of the women in there because they were different, but in many ways the same. At first, I didn't understand or know how to deal with my feelings and attractions to these other girls. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes and someone suddenly turned on a bright light in the midst of sheer darkness. We danced and had a great time. I felt at ease or more at home rather in this situation/community than I ever had in a straight bar or with straight people. I had questions and thoughts that kept me awake for many nights.

I began hanging out there more and more and making many new friends. The GLBT community was much more welcoming and loving than my family and friends (in Michigan) had ever been and I felt an immediate connection with the GLBT community. I was very curious and yet free to ask questions and to explore this new lifestyle. I later met this girl named Claire and was totally smitten with her. She was amazing...at first! She was very butch...It was like getting two for the price of one. On the outside she looked like a guy, but underneath there was something so much more sensual and amazing. I was excited to have my first real lesbian relationship. I wanted what my 2nd cousin had or the type of relationship that so many of my Tronix friends had with their partners. She turned out to be not what I expected.

When I met Claire, I sat my very opinionated-Christian family down and I said, “I'm gay. I love Claire. I don't care what you think. I am happiest out! That is how it is.” I had gotten to the point of no return. This is me and I love it and I am proud to be different, but the same. I love women and I don't want any other kind of relationship ever. My grandmother gasped and my mom swore for the longest time that it was all just a phase. I had expected my family to throw stones or slap hateful words around when I came out, but they didn't. We have had family from back East visit and my mother still cautions us to not have any “friends” around or speak of anyone, but I guess I can't expect miracles. I live my life as any other person does. I go to work, I spend time with my kids, I watch the same TV shows other people do, etc.

On my own, I was not judged or ignored as a mother or a woman. I am usually pretty femme or appear as any other tired or stretched out, straight mother. I do not get the awkward stares or bouts of silence that are followed by whispers and giggles. Claire, like I said, was very butch but she was also a mother. People called her “Sir” or pointed at her. When we would do things as a “family” like going to Wal-Mart or to dinner or to the park, we would be ogled. This look was similar to a look I would get from people, when I was 18 years old and pregnant. It was like, “UGH, she has some nerve to be out here with us!” or “She must be a bad kid...Poor stupid kid and her parents must not be any better!” My pregnancy wasn't my mothers fault, just like my being gay isn't my kids' fault or your fault.

At first, I saw the looks on people's faces and I definitely felt like the spotlight was on my kids, us, and me. No one wants to be picked apart because they are different. Who do people think they are these days? Haven't you ever seen two parents play, eat, or shop with their kids? Because one of us doesn't have a dick you feel you can berate us...Sorry, but you are sadly mistaken. I am proud to be a lesbian and proud to be a mother. I am currently single and when I go to the store, or out to eat, or to the park with my kids you can't tell...I proudly sport my PRIDE bracelet. I don't wear it to remind myself that I am a lesbian, but to say to people (who either know what it means or don't and ask) that I am just like you and have every right to have the same chances you have.

I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a fighter of equality by way of sexes, races, and others. I am a lesbian. I am so much more, but mostly I am proud to be me. People ignore me or taunt me. I have been ridiculed and talked down to. I have been stared at and whispered about. I am who I am and proud...So pick on me and call me names because I don't give a damn. I don't persecute you and I don't push you down because you're different. I am me and at the end of my day I can stand tall, with broken limbs and a bruised heart, knowing that I am true.